I think about leaving- of going back to Erdrea- and dread fills my heart.
For all this world's other failings, I've found love here. We always knew it would end of course, but with people making ready to leave, I begin to understand the depths of my own reluctance. But then I look to Lily's gift to me and I'm filled with longing. My heart is torn.
Good-hearted idealists. Moran may as well have called those of us that fall under that banner fools. He isn't wrong, but neither did he have a hand in the attack on this city. Wangji speaks of responsibility and Slick of a duty to those in his world. I understand both feelings well.
This group has been possessed of a singular goal. I wouldn't seek to sabotage it for my own selfish reasons- Marcos has an infant daughter for Goddess' sake- but I begin to understand that my priorities have shifted away from that goal.
What I pray for is preserving life in this world and ensuring it's well-defended. I meant these words when I wrote them to Archeval, and I mean them now. This is what's important to me while we're here. But of course there's the wonder and doubt of whether or not there's anything I can do beyond prayer to aid this world in that manner.
It's much the same in Erdrea, but there at least, Yggdrasil chose me. Surely there was a reason. Though in moments where my faith wavers, I sometimes wonder if She might have chosen wrongly. But neither can I abandon Erdrea to darkness, so long as I live.
In the end, I suppose Slick is right-- that my duty to Erdrea is greater than the sense of responsibility I feel toward the declining lifeblood of this world. Yggdrasil's will is divine. I'm only a good-hearted fool in this one.
Still the thought grieves me. More than just this city, this world feels doomed. Every life lost tips the scales in Death's favor. How many are born to counter it, I wonder.. Will there be a day when every city lies abandoned, fallen to ruins and home only to the desolate eternity of undeath? A chilling vision.
But now, as my thoughts turn to Lily, I think again of how difficult it was to walk while weighed down by grief. I will live through this heartbreak, but it will be the third most difficult thing I've ever done. Taking that last step will be the second most difficult thing.
Day 18, Month 9
For all this world's other failings, I've found love here. We always knew it would end of course, but with people making ready to leave, I begin to understand the depths of my own reluctance. But then I look to Lily's gift to me and I'm filled with longing. My heart is torn.
Good-hearted idealists. Moran may as well have called those of us that fall under that banner fools. He isn't wrong, but neither did he have a hand in the attack on this city. Wangji speaks of responsibility and Slick of a duty to those in his world. I understand both feelings well.
This group has been possessed of a singular goal. I wouldn't seek to sabotage it for my own selfish reasons- Marcos has an infant daughter for Goddess' sake- but I begin to understand that my priorities have shifted away from that goal.
What I pray for is preserving life in this world and ensuring it's well-defended. I meant these words when I wrote them to Archeval, and I mean them now. This is what's important to me while we're here. But of course there's the wonder and doubt of whether or not there's anything I can do beyond prayer to aid this world in that manner.
It's much the same in Erdrea, but there at least, Yggdrasil chose me. Surely there was a reason. Though in moments where my faith wavers, I sometimes wonder if She might have chosen wrongly. But neither can I abandon Erdrea to darkness, so long as I live.
In the end, I suppose Slick is right-- that my duty to Erdrea is greater than the sense of responsibility I feel toward the declining lifeblood of this world. Yggdrasil's will is divine. I'm only a good-hearted fool in this one.
Still the thought grieves me. More than just this city, this world feels doomed. Every life lost tips the scales in Death's favor. How many are born to counter it, I wonder.. Will there be a day when every city lies abandoned, fallen to ruins and home only to the desolate eternity of undeath? A chilling vision.
But now, as my thoughts turn to Lily, I think again of how difficult it was to walk while weighed down by grief. I will live through this heartbreak, but it will be the third most difficult thing I've ever done. Taking that last step will be the second most difficult thing.
Goddess, let there be hope somewhere in all this.